For a year or two I’ve been trying to start a new. Before that at one point I needed a concrete plan, a vision because I had to get up on my feet again. So I made a plan with priorities, like project management as this was the only way to set the finances straight. I did the 1st part of the project successfully at the end. Now, the plan A from the 2nd part is showing its flaws. To put it shortly, I’m confirming Einstein’s theory on crazyness.
For some time now, I feel as if everything around me is moving while I stand still. That was ok for a while but now I want to run again.
I’ve been moving all my life but obviously in the wrong contexts. If I could have done it differently I would. I did try a few times. It seems as if my life was ‘closed’, impatiently waiting for something. Now I know that strange inner urge kept me safe, holding my head above the water. The revealed survival instinct at its best. As art & painting become important part of my life, the creativity is now asking more of me. Actually, creativity is demanding of me to start living.
I always preach that we should live life fully & passionately. My life turmoil took the toll for few years or more. I thought I’ll never be able to ‘walk’ again, yet I do.
It’s ironic, I have nothing to lose. I can now only gain. I realized that my past and fairly present life situation closed me hermetically. And I refuse it, I can’t live like that. I want to live for the sake of full life, for all those who are not so fortunate to have the ability to keep moving forward, up. I refuse to starve due to false security. Trying to escape into false security only reveals the depth of the factual insecurity. Most people in Croatia live just like that, closing themselves everyday. Only here I live isolated and it’s ugly. This is a small country: people have their own friends for years, children, wives, husbands, parents, relatives…they’re not curious in meeting anyone new. And that’s ok, why should they. Next, for an outsider woman it is almost impossible to build some proper professional network. I don’t count invites for a threesome or else: people here are scared & bored so this combo creates a fertile soil for all kinds of prisons’ escapisms syndromes.
If you feel good, if your inner frequency resonates with the vibe of the place you want to be in, live in, than everything will fall in its place. Naturally.
Plan B is not the name of a magazine. It’s a natural process that freaks me out at times yet gut tells me that this is a good, inevitable plan. A very good plan. It is something I’ve been putting off for a longer period because it wasn’t duable. Forcefully inflicted plan A is killing me slowly. A plant placed where there is no sun. I have few life inspirations and I learned that taking small steps is what it’s all about, with few necessary jumps in between.
However, no matter whether we live more fully or not, the world has never been uglier. Still there is much more beauty in this world then horror. This is important to remember every once in a while. Otherwise we’ll all get accustomed to horror and accept it as a fact. If we despite all ugliness see the beauty we can help each other. It is not about the hope but about the notion of vastness of possibilities. There is much more in the colors of the universe than we see, think, believe or hope. We are all made of stardust.