b, as bring it on

Recently I have troubles sleeping which was never a case before. I wake up at 2, or 3:30, 5 etc. Currently I have vivid dreams filled with some weird symbolism. I don’t pay too much attention. I’m aware that in those dreamy moments my mind is cleaning itself from all the garbage accumulated for the past 2 years.

Tonight I woke up at 2:30. Usually I turn around, not making much fuss about it and easily fall back to sleep. But tonight it was the dream that woke me up. It was some kind of very scary nightmare. What’s cool is that I managed calmly and courageously to overcome all the fears and obstacles presented in that dream. The last scene was me sitting on a beach, listening myself: “everything is ok…see, life is full of surprises and just look how wonderful this beach and the sea is.” At the same moment I heard my granny’s voice saying the same thing. She was my ‘true mum’.

Back to 2:30 h. After waking up from that dream I switched my phone on and went on the internet. By ‘chance’ I run straight into this page . I took a quick sip of it and went back to sleep. Sometimes there’re vibes all around you, one just needs to tune own ears a bit better.

I was a ground zero a half a year ago. Just recently I managed to decide, again, to reinvent myself. Cause if you cannot predict the future, invent it.

Disgusting things happened to me recently. They’ve been happening since I was born, all due to ‘my family’. But this last ‘piece’ was almost life breaking. It’s extremely difficult to overcome injustice and crime committed by own family members. I know about the war, I know all about the emotional, physical, financial abuse. But what about child’s right to live freely and one’s right to live peacefully?

I’m in my hometown now, not cause I chose to. I’m here cause last year I had to sell own apartment in Zagreb to cover father’s enormous debts. He never lived with us but with his mum elsewhere. ‘Dad’ was misusing my own firm which I’ve opened only in order to ‘help him’. If I were in some other country, maybe I would be writing this from a prison. Heh, for a future artist, that would be some good biography stuff 😉

So, this year I got a chance to reinvent myself. I’m currently here, intuitively doing almost everything that was written on that page. Not for money, but to regain my life the way I want to. Even though this is a small town, my boat is here, my dog is happy, I’ve low living costs yet high life quality. And there’re enough persons who support me and who vaguely know what was going on. No one views me as a victim and I’m grateful for that.

Also, I’m grateful that my mum finally has a boyfriend so she’s living on island Hvar. I live alone away from ‘home’ since I was 18 so it would be tough for me to share this apartment with her.
My best friends&family are random people who enter my life. I view ‘own family’ as very hostile one, still I’ve forgiven them. No point in nurturing unnecessary, ugly emotions. I’m ok with mum; she helped me a lot in these past 2-3 years and became a good friend. Brother is just like his ‘father’ and that’s ok.

Back to the reinvention, will and guts to survive. Never give up. Life is to live it the best you can. It never asks you politely what you want: life’s just happening. Still, you can be smart and grab a chance whenever you can. The more obstacles you overcome, the stronger and resilient you become. Not mentioning the wisdom one acquires by applying all that knowledge.

As for me, I’m glad cause I finally feel I got a chance to relive life. I’m making baby steps and it’s going fine.

The famous question: What is the meaning of life?                      Answer: Make oneself happy. The rest will naturally come along.

t, as (t)raining

It’s raining dramatically and peacefully today. After too much sun I find rain to be very soothing . Like a soft massage to my soul.

Today is exactly 2 weeks after I started training for the marathon. Since the 2nd of October I ran in total 42.66 km, including 5 days break in between. Few days ago I got trainer Goran as additional help. He has drawn a weekly training program that includes 1 heavy training (yasso or tempo), 3 light trainings (12-18km) and weekend’s long steady runs. I have to keep track of my running time and improve it slowly. There’s no point me ending like Pheidippides.

I didn’t know that my trainer is brother of Mladen Matičević‘s wife. But more importantly, what I didn’t know is that his best friend committed suicide two months ago. Few friends gently warned me about his ‘sad state’. I never like to pity another person. I find it degrading. So while we’re talking about me running a marathon, why and what it means to me, I mentioned my 2 clinical deaths and a basket of oranges that saved my life when I was 7; I landed straight into it from 5 m high. Later he offered me an orange, said he’ll help me to train and connect me with two other marathon men from Makarska: “It’s easier to run when you’re with others Martina.”

I’m a painter. But in ‘artistic world’ of today, there is no sincerity. There’s no fair play. There are politics, marketing, agents, critics, money washing and imperative of who knows who and how good you’re at lying.  Aleksandar Srnec once said “The moment you sell yourself, your art has gone to hell.”

I’ve found my way to escape that ugly, artificial world. I paint. I make exhibitions. I sell paintings to persons who really like them and want them to have. I’m a proof that agents, critics and other walls that are still surrounding a vast majority of ‘artists’ can be climbed over. Instant popularity doesn’t interest me. A person is becoming a painter whole her/his life. And maybe, just maybe, at the end of her/his life, that person might become an artist as well.

Sport is a fair play: it all comes down to your abilities & will to train. Everything is pretty much straight forward. There are no biased critiques “we say you can’t compete because we don’t like the style of your running shoes.” And when the day of a competition comes, you try to be best as you can.

And that’s why I like sport as the opposite to my painting.

The same I like rain as the opposite to sun.

m, as marathon

I’m currently reading Haruki Murakami’s “What do I talk when I talk about running”.

Long before this book Haruki (from Japanese haru – sun, ki – radiance, shine) became my favorite writer. But this particular book bought me, literally. I’m a long distance runner for almost 20 years. Now this number 20 looks so big when I type it, but as long as I can remember, I almost never walked but run. As a tiny girl I would run to my friend’s house, run to the supermarket, run to take out the garbage, run just about anywhere as fast as I could. And in the world of that little girl, all people would run instead of walk.

Back then I already knew why I loved running; it was the only feeling close enough to the feeling of flying. Only decades after I read somewhere that when a person runs, there’s a moment when both feet are not touching the ground. You are ‘up’!

I was constantly being asked why do I run. I never gave away the answer. Me running, well…let’s put it simply and say it was saving my life & keeping me alive. That’s why I never even thought to compete or to be a professional runner > me running alone was too intimate, like breathing.

Recently something happened to me that opened my running and I finally want to share my running with others.

My utmost dream was to run a marathon, 42 km. Maybe I would run for all those who cannot. I would run for the poor, for the sick, for all kids that are abused and kids that are lost. I would run to fight all the injustice in this world. Particularly, I would run for all those women who never had a chance to start a life; who were treated like slaves, raped, molested, mistreated by own families, society, religion. I would run for love and human will to survive in any condition. Or maybe, I would just run.

My marathon training started abruptly on windy Wednesday, 02nd of October 2013. I’ve just arrived from Zagreb to Makarska around 18:15h. Mum was there helping me with my baggage and I told her: I’ll run a marathon. Even though she always worried about me running (cause ‘I’m skinny’) this time she said nothing except, ‘run’.

I ran on that windy Wednesday for 45 min. 30 min on Thursday. 60 min on Friday. Saturday was a break. Today is Sunday and I go for running later in the evening. I still don’t have running watch, but tomorrow I’ll get one. Marathon is not for hobby runners.

Back to Haruki’s book. In one of his first chapters he writes: “The pain is inevitable. Suffering is a question of choice.”  My whole past life fits in these two sentences. Reading them,typed on a paper in my Haruki’s book, made my choice & decision strong as a Titan. I’ll run 42 km.