lack of title


i am watching news on tv and saw something that spilled my cup. a protest against istanbul convention in split, croatia.

‘unfortunately’ i was born in dalmatia county, town of split, country of croatia. patriarchat is their mojo.

throughout my life, unfortunately i witnessed several cases of violence against women. these women were very close to me, some still are. while i was living in spain in andalucia, almost every week at least one women would be killed brutally. in majority of cases it was a case of domestic violence. safe houses are a tiny hope for human beings who want to escape violence in own home. only coz, at times, are physically inferior and cannot / dont know how to fight back. spain has still not improved. when i came back to croatia, it was really tough to see my friend colleague with bruised face. glasses didn’t help nor did the silence.

fyi, i rarely say this, being physically inferior when facing a combat is not cool. it’s scary.

it’s cold to only say every woman should escape violence immediately. what can you actually do if you have nowhere to go where it’s safe? + where there is no ‘normal’ law that it’s there to protect you & your children from the horror. i know situations from women i mentioned, the sick part is that as a friend you can do almost nothing. and now back to the beginning, in which who knows how many trolls are protesting against istanbul convention – “the strongest move that has ever been made to combat violence against women and girls globally” (2016).

the patriarchal climate is poisonous coz it’s an extreme example of a society system. i openly say when talking about violence against women the question of gender follows on its own. any man who was raised to be the future head of the house does not see a woman as an equal. and those women who marry that kind of person accepts inferior ‘position’ in a community made of 2. from an early age she accepted a more passive role. a passive role upbringing is easy to detect when there is an absence of healthy curiosity for discovering own potential, rather mimicking own mother. her decision making is not a reason not to have a framework that’ll help that woman if one day sees her life turned to nightmare. some countries are way ahead of us in terms of viewing human beings, island for example. and we all know how it was back in those old days.

anyway, what bugs me the most are women that are loudest in their protests against ratification. no further comment. ps.won’t involve jedi into this.

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only with my permission

Tonight is my last night in my ex apartment. im happy that is ex coz it didn’t work out. other place is just right, feels right, also the bed is on the floor (yeah). new life start. no drama just bliss.

so actually i wanted to write a few words about hashtag me etc. but i’ve been moving all day long so I apologize if my sentences are not too elaborate. you will get the picture though.

*Violence against women is one of the most serious and ugliest crimes in the world. i do not relate it to hollywood hashtag me2.

as a woman (whatever that means) I had almost no problems with men (whatever that means). with women, a lot. discrimination, mobbing and else not to even mention. all my ex besties turn to worsties. Despite it all, wouldn’t it be plainly dumb to claim that woman attack other women in such & such occasion. it does happen, a lot. women are angry with reason. but they don’t know how to help themselves. also the world is dominated by male energy. it’s irony that women raise men and women marry them, ‘give’ them child… soo it takes two to tango.

women are great emprovers of others, but when it comes to themselves many of them are making the same ‘mistake’ for centuries. she willingly neglects the most aspects of herself, grace, sexuality, sensuality, creativity, strength.  i was attacked by professor at the academy, sorry at his atelier he wanted to show me. i got him strong by his balls so he froze. i gently asked him about his wife and children and how it would be unwise to tell anything about this to anyone. he agreed so i gently dragged him out of atelier holding his balls. The professor after that took a year off. cool of him and we are cool now. i didn’t report him coz hate to create life problems for kissing me without my permission. also he understood the situation in the atelier. i believe women should at first at least try to take care of themselves ‘internally’. It’s the change on an individual level of every woman that is necessary, not primarily as a pack. men see a pack of women as a threat and again there is this stupid tension in the world. bureaucracy can’t make men and women think and react, rather it makes everything numb.

the thing is, i don’t blame a man in this situations. i came to atelier, naivete, 2nd year at academy. but the moment he invaded my space without my permission i reacted. remember LeeLoo from 5th element. exactly. It’s automatic. many people watch movies yet very few chose to be a main actor in own movie.

i wish women would become more gentle and charming. more sensual and quiet. not quiet in sense of acting wise by not talking. i mean quiet. also i wish women would become less jealous of other women and be more friendlier. i also wish women would leave men to be men (whatever that means). they are being over domesticated with no apparel reason. they love it, check ikea or any other shopping centre. i also wish men could feel free to feel more coz they do. i use to say that men are more sensitive than women, a few years ago scientific study showed that.

i also wish to go to sleep so i wish you a good night.

i won’t go quietly aka mind from the future

in croatia people really like to steal. especially ideas. in legal terms – ‘intellectual property’.

‘long time’ ago i worked in telecommunications as a product manager aka mobile application developer for location based services. at that time mobile phones didn’t have gps but the cell id method was used to determine person’s location (x, y coordinates). among several applications i developed with my team of IT colleagues was also the 1st mobile location application game pi pi pi, pile gdje si ti?‘ – ‘little chicken where are you?’ the skin of the app could be changed easily (tech term). did you know that chicken can be drawn like this (:>)=  i did and gave the idea to ‘creative’ advertising agency as i wanted ‘the coolest’ city light for this app.

i don’t like to bitch about anything, it doesn’t make sense. yet this time i won’t be quiet. the video is in croatian so those of you who don’t understand what it is about i will tell you simply:

  • croatian association of artists (HDLU) took my ideas for huge TESLA exhibition and gave it to private firms to develop it further
  • despite many positive snail mails from the author of the exhibition (Helena Bulaja) to whom my project was an example of what she wants to do, I wasn’t chosen to participate
  • more than 300 artists worked on this project. the budget was humongous. my ideas were rejected on the basis of so called ‘budget’
  • few days ago i saw my ideas on tv > kids love them the most
  • Tesla’s ideas were stolen many times so i guess i should feel privileged at least

i never write bad things about cro and i could make a list long as rapunzel’s hair.

i don’t know what awaits me in my new country but respect there is guaranteed 100%.

not advise: some of you who don’t believe in yourself, realize that stupidity is very loud & aggressive. so  ‘train & become stronger’, then you will start believing in yourself and be able to confront the stupidity. this comes from a tiny person who was always put down from everyone and never ever believed in. now i laugh cause i have nice teeth 🙂

better migration

How do you know that the place you are at, for a longer period of time, is the wrong place to be? Aka not the place for you to be.

For a year or two I’ve been trying to start a new. Before that at one point I needed a concrete plan, a vision because I had to get up on my feet again. So I made a plan with priorities, like project management as this was the only way to set the finances straight. I did the 1st part of the project successfully at the end. Now, the plan A from the 2nd part is showing its flaws. To put it shortly, I’m confirming Einstein’s theory on crazyness.

For some time now, I feel as if everything around me is moving while I stand still. That was ok for a while but now I want to run again.

I’ve been moving all my life but obviously in the wrong contexts. If I could have done it differently I would. I did try a few times. It seems as if my life was ‘closed’, impatiently waiting for something. Now I know that strange inner urge kept me safe, holding my head above the water. The revealed survival instinct at its best. As art & painting become important part of my life, the creativity is now asking more of me. Actually, creativity is demanding of me to start living.

I always preach that we should live life fully & passionately. My life turmoil took the toll for few years or more. I thought I’ll never be able to ‘walk’ again, yet I do.

It’s ironic, I have nothing to lose. I can now only gain. I realized that my past and fairly present life situation closed me hermetically. And I refuse it, I can’t live like that. I want to live for the sake of full life, for all those who are not so fortunate to have the ability to keep moving forward, up. I refuse to starve due to false security. Trying to escape into false security only reveals the depth of the factual insecurity. Most people in Croatia live just like that, closing themselves everyday. Only here I live isolated and it’s ugly. This is a small country: people have their own friends for years, children, wives, husbands, parents, relatives…they’re not curious in meeting anyone new. And that’s ok, why should they. Next, for an outsider woman it is almost impossible to build some proper professional network. I don’t count invites for a threesome or else: people here are scared & bored so this combo creates a fertile soil for all kinds of prisons’ escapisms syndromes.

If you feel good, if your inner frequency resonates with the vibe of the place you want to be in, live in, than everything will fall in its place. Naturally.

Plan B is not the name of a magazine. It’s a natural process that freaks me out at times yet gut tells me that this is a good, inevitable plan. A very good plan. It is something I’ve been putting off for a longer period because it wasn’t duable. Forcefully inflicted plan A is killing me slowly. A plant placed where there is no sun. I have few life inspirations and I learned that taking small steps is what it’s all about, with few necessary jumps in between.

However, no matter whether we live more fully or not, the world has never been uglier. Still there is much more beauty in this world then horror. This is important to remember every once in a while. Otherwise we’ll all get accustomed to horror and accept it as a fact. If we despite all ugliness see the beauty we can help each other. It is not about the hope but about the notion of vastness of possibilities. There is much more in the colors of the universe than we see, think, believe or hope. We are all made of stardust.

creativity as survival skill

I want to become a change I want to see in the world. Why not.

I never thought that creativity might save my life, or better, that it might present me with a new life. Didn’t have the confidence & strength.

It’s not easy. It’s tough. I still lack a proper network but I am getting there slowly. You can’t rush friendships.

I started a big project and counting on doing everthying by myself. I already got IT support from few people I know for just a quarter of year from mobile dev academy and I’m very thankful for that.

work in progress 2, 155 x 94 cm

The project merges traditional art and VR animation. Basic idea behind it is to open and enter the world of the paintings. Entering 3d world of material paintings, its finest idea opens itself to 3rd and 4th dimension; 3rd coz I’ll create paintings’ 3D world using 3d sw (blender, zbrush, ps, ue4..) and 4th coz the time passes through animation (e.g. controlled 1st view anim.).

Project’s working title is Puka mi je film: Transition / Transcendence. The motion paintings. This is first&foremost an art project. VR animation as a medium allows an insight into a painting, the painter’s personal voyage. I’ll create both worlds, the paintings and its 3d digital ‘scans’ – motion paintings. I took 1 year to finish it but who knows it might be less. A lot depends also on a good organization. I started to paint the paintings (on canvas, acrylic& oil) and doing modelling, textures, animation a bit later. At this stage I must have full hands on this project, the pdd is still wip.

There is much more to all this and I’m happy to write about it on Loveution. This is a fine start & keep you posted!

reminder

”Nebula”, oil on canvas, 100 x 80 cm

10s live simple.

Life of 10 has no home. It lacks supporting family and thus other connections. 10 had a fucked up life from the start and the passing years were all about the change; from a victim to a fighter, from a warrior to a pioneer.

10 has one, maybe two true friends and tons of acquaintances. 10 inspires others but more often it’s the one others are very envious about. 10 easily reveals human’s polarity: either it’s easiest to hate or easiest to love. 10 doesn’t care about other opinions or actions; it knows way upfront when it’ll be misjudged or misused. 10 knows how to be alone and is not afraid, alone turned into whole in one.

The 10s are 100%  self reliant and are free from cloned social etiquette. They continually evolve without disturbing the balance within oneself. 10s lose early their family ties, often not by their choice but the life set it that way long time ago. Social isolation for 10s is an inevitable, painful, reoccurring phenomena. After end of each ‘isolation’, 10s are reaching their full capacity and are bond to move upwards. Once the process has started it cannot be stopped.

It’s very rare that two 10s meet and fall in love. If it does happen, than it’s a natural phenomena.

(https://loveution.com/2015/06/24/10-as-10/)