Author Archives: Martina Gulan

w, as wolves

Image

“Dogs are magicians of the Universe”

“Woman who run with the Wolves”, Clarissa Pinkola Estes
tale: THE WOLF’S EYELASH – chapter 16                                                               

 If you don’t go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.

“Don’t go out in the woods, don’t go out,” they said.
“Why not? Why should I not go out in the woods tonight?” she asked.
“A big wolf lives there who eats humans such as you. Don’t go out in the woods, don’t go out. We mean it.”
Naturally she went out. She went out in the woods anyway, and of course she met the wolf, just as they had warned her.
“See, we told you,” they crowed.
“This is my life, not a fairy tale, you dolts,” she said. “I have to go to the woods, and I have to meet the wolf, or else my life will never begin.”
But the wolf she encountered was in a trap, in a trap this wolf’s leg was in.
“Help me, oh help me! Aieeeee, aieeee, aieeee!” cried the wolf. “Help me, oh help me!” he cried, “and I shall reward you justly.” For this is the way of wolves in tales of this kind.
“How do I know you won’t harm me?” she asked—it was her job to ask questions. “How do I know you will not kill me and leave me lying in my bones?”
“Wrong question,” said this wolf. “You’ll just have to take my word for it.” And the wolf began to cry and wail once again and more.
“Oh, aieee! Aieeee! Aieeee!
There’s only one question 
worthy asking fair maiden,
wooooooooor
aieeeee th’
soooooooool?” 
“Oh you wolf, I will take a chance. Alright, here!” And she sprang the trap and the wolf drew out its paw and this she bound with herbs and grasses.
“Ah, thank you kind maiden, thank you,” sighed the wolf. And because she had read too many of the wrong kind of tales, she cried, “Go ahead and kill me now, and let us get this over with.”
But no, this did not come to pass. Instead this wolf put his paw upon her arm.
“I’m a wolf from another time and place,” said he. And plucking a lash from his eye, he gave it to her and said, “Use this, and be wise. From now on you will know who is good and not so good; just look through my eyes and you will see clearly.
For letting me live, 
I bid you live
in a manner as never before.
Remember, there’s only one question
worthy asking fair maiden,
wooooooooor
aieeeee th’
soooooooool?”
And so she went back to her village,
happy to still have her life.
And this time as they said,
“Just stay here and be my bride,” 
or “Do as I tell you,” 
or “Say as I want you to say,
and remain as unwritten upon 
as the day you came,”
she held up the wolf’s eyelash
and peered through
and saw their motives
as she had not seen them before.
And the next time 
the butcher weighed the meat,
she looked through her wolf’s eyelash
and saw that he weighed his thumb too.
And she looked at her suitor
who said “I am so good for you,”
and she saw that her suitor 
was so good for exactly nothing.
And in this way and more,
she was saved,
from not all,
but from many 
misfortunes.
But more so, in this new seeing, not only did she see the sly and cruel, she began to grow immense in heart, for she looked at each person and weighed them anew through this gift from the wolf she had rescued.
And she saw those who were truly kind
and went near to them,
and found her mate
and stayed all the days of her life,
she discerned the brave
and came close to them,
she apprehended the faithful
and joined with them,
she saw bewilderment under anger
and hastened to soothe it,
she saw love in the eyes of the shy
and reached out to them,
she saw suffering in the stiff-lipped
and courted their laughter,
she saw need in the man with no words
and spoke for him,
she saw faith deep in the woman,
who said she had none,
and rekindled hers from her own.
She saw all things
with her lash of wolf
all things true,
and all things false,
all things turning against life
and all things turning toward life,
all things seen only
through the eyes of that
which weighs the heart with heart,
and not with mind alone.
This is how she learned that it is true what they say, that the wolf is the wisest of all. If you listen closely, the wolf in its howling is always asking the most important question—not where is the next food, not where is the next fight, not where is the next dance? –
but the most important question in order to see into and behind, to weigh the value of all that lives,
wooooooooor
aieeeee th’
soooooooool?” 
wooooooooor
aieeeee th’
soooooooool?” 
Where is the soul?
Where is the soul?
 
Go out in the woods, go out, If you don’t go out in the woods,
nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.
Go out in the woods,
go out
Go out in the woods,
go out
Go out in the woods,
go out
 

v, as vanishing

v, as vanishing

photo: Maori, New Zeland

Stunning Portraits Of The World’s Remotest Tribes Before They Pass Away

I’m not gonna blabla about the article. Photos are gorgeous document by itself.

I’m gonna blabla a bit about people of 21st century, limiting myself to ‘Wests’. I’ve noticed that individuals are turning into manyviduals. Each person is becoming more and more like each other. The quest is on for being visually super-special for no reason and this hypnosis is especially celebrated on social networks > the new word is ‘selfies’. Yet, paradoxically, a person is turning to be less and less special. That visually funny, empty, less than sincere quest is sadly robing each person of its true character potential, own free will, mental strength, carefree feeling…happiness at the bottom of it all. I guess now it’s a bit easier to understand why a lot of indigenous people perceive taking their photographs equivalent to robing off their souls. But, people of 21st century have their ‘free will’, so let them have it.

Good documentary photography is a beautiful art by itself. It’s honest, at least tries to be.

My grand grand mother Ivana Noršić (from father’s side) was the first photographer in Sisak, Croatia (at that time, Kingdom of Yugoslavia; States of Slovenes, Croats and Serbs). She had her studio in the center and besides taking portrait photos, she was a true artist in coloring b/w photos. Museum of Arts and Crafts in Zagreb hold some of her photographs in permanent exhibition.

My grand grand mother and I share the same birth date. And love for photography. I fell in love with documentary photography since my first subscription to National Geographic, all the way back in the 80s. That fresh print smelling NG would arrive all the way from USA and in the time of no Internet made little girl very very happy. Dear mum, thanks a lot for that 🙂

s, as sagan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpb7j3-1REM&list=PL38D15D3C59501F95

In his book “Cosmos”, page 3, it’s simply written:
“A galaxy is composed of gas and dust and stars – billions upon billions of stars.”

This man is always smiling on photos. I guess, some persons who are curious by nature like to smile a lot. Like children. I like to smile too, not to please the others, but just for the sake of smiling.

I read in “Cosmos” that at the age of five, when his mother got him a library card, he went there to get the answer what the stars were. When he asked a librarian to show him the book about the stars, the library fellow brought him a book about movie/hollywood stars. When he saw honest disappointment in kid’s eyes he understood what the kid wanted and showed him ‘the right one’: “The scale of the universe suddenly opened up to me…There was a magnificence to it, a grandeur, a scale which has never left me. Never ever left me.”

While painting or drawing, I feel as if I’m in space, looking down on my Earth. It’s a sort of detachment of ‘self’ from ‘myself’, and that’s great. The process of painting has a scientific side to it cause it includes curiosity, investigation, trial&error, in-depth thinking, intuitive feeling,…it requires tons of discipline and inner peacefulness at the same time. It’s quiet, enormous and never bored.

Off to paint now. To those who read this post, enjoy this great audio book.

p, as partisans

This is an example of tasty&classy reach in electro-pop music. The singer is only 17 years old. Sings about things she (not)knows, without trying to be some sick Lolita with daddy issues.

I was never much into pop music but there are some great musicians that deserve every bit of a respect. However the 21st century is proving to be a very stupid one in terms of pop music. Also the voice of Annie Lennox notices something’s going very wrong with the whole pop music industry.

I know what I’m talking about. As kids, my friends and I have witnessed enough of old pedophiles jerking off. We’re all born&raised at Dalmatian coast, enjoying&loving our paradise as children normally do. For some unreasonable reason, a ‘civilized’ pedophile would visit Dalmatia (part of Yugoslavia at that time), considering it to be a paradise for ‘free watching’. However, what they all didn’t know is that we, the uncivilized child natives, would not stand still >> we would take a rock, stone or whatever and hit the mother f…er hard. Bitter surprise for him and lots of laughs from our side. Yeah, ‘a civilized tourist’ didn’t know that the wild natives can be pretty crazy and defensive as young partisans.

That’s why I don’t know what’s happening with teens today. It seems as if they’re under some kind of weird hypnosis that ain’t for sure a sexual revolution. It looks more like a global sexual repulsion.

I reckon that if any of those kids singers or kids fans would witness jerking off of a some old pedophile, they would be at least repulsed. But hitting them hard with a rock or stone, well…that takes a lot of discipline, practice and great team of normal kids.

beeing carefree&responsible >> that’s true freedom

d, as danica

I don’t like this day. Honestly, hate it. And one must not hate. Calling it; ‘mio capriccio de odio’.

On this day moja baba* died. She was my mum and I was ‘only’ 21. I know life is not fair and her sudden, ‘unfair’ death made me question life even more. Moja baba was always healthy and strong like a bull (even in zodiac she was a taurus). Shortly before her death I almost lost a kidney due to insufficient fluid intake after running. She always worried about my kidneys; it was her ‘capriccio’ to always remind me to pay attention to kidneys. After 3 weeks I got better while she suddenly got sick and died 3 weeks later. I wasn’t at the funeral cause I couldn’t bare it. But I could bare being with her in the hospital, massaging her, washing her, talking and making plans about our garden etc. Her hospital room was no. 36.  Now, whenever I hear someone talking that at 35-36 km of a marathon one gets a crises I put a ‘smile’ on; somehow I remembered that perverse number and there’s no way that I’ll get a f… crises. Still, if it occurs, moja baba will help me.

She taught me many, many things. Extremely wise, down to earth, simple person. Loved to talk a lot and made people laugh as true stand-up comedian. Had a thing for inventing new words or phrases that made weird sense. She was a professional cook so I learned everything from her. She was also a great gardener and we never had to go to supermarket for vegetables or fruits. Working with earth, plants, flowers, vegetables was her zen moment that seduced me already as a small kid. My wish is to have own garden one day.

But the most, most important: she was my only solace and anchor for simple wild child soul. She would protect me from mother, brother, grandpa, father…in short, any version of a ‘stupidity’. Thought me to look at life with ease whenever is possible and not to worry much about things that are in essence irrelevant. Only thing that she constantly repeated was ‘pamet u glavu’** and everything will be ok.

Today I really tried not to think about this day. I took my dog to veterinarian’s clinic for a small procedure and everything went well. He doesn’t need an additional operation. But during my evening training, the evening star Danica shined so brightly; tough it was cloudy, she was peeking through, watching me.

This is her favorite song. I used to play it for her on the piano and she would sing.

I love&miss my Danica. Always will.

– – – –

*   eng. my granny

** eng. be smart / use your brain

b, as bring it on

Recently I have troubles sleeping which was never a case before. I wake up at 2, or 3:30, 5 etc. Currently I have vivid dreams filled with some weird symbolism. I don’t pay too much attention. I’m aware that in those dreamy moments my mind is cleaning itself from all the garbage accumulated for the past 2 years.

Tonight I woke up at 2:30. Usually I turn around, not making much fuss about it and easily fall back to sleep. But tonight it was the dream that woke me up. It was some kind of very scary nightmare. What’s cool is that I managed calmly and courageously to overcome all the fears and obstacles presented in that dream. The last scene was me sitting on a beach, listening myself: “everything is ok…see, life is full of surprises and just look how wonderful this beach and the sea is.” At the same moment I heard my granny’s voice saying the same thing. She was my ‘true mum’.

Back to 2:30 h. After waking up from that dream I switched my phone on and went on the internet. By ‘chance’ I run straight into this page . I took a quick sip of it and went back to sleep. Sometimes there’re vibes all around you, one just needs to tune own ears a bit better.

I was a ground zero a half a year ago. Just recently I managed to decide, again, to reinvent myself. Cause if you cannot predict the future, invent it.

Disgusting things happened to me recently. They’ve been happening since I was born, all due to ‘my family’. But this last ‘piece’ was almost life breaking. It’s extremely difficult to overcome injustice and crime committed by own family members. I know about the war, I know all about the emotional, physical, financial abuse. But what about child’s right to live freely and one’s right to live peacefully?

I’m in my hometown now, not cause I chose to. I’m here cause last year I had to sell own apartment in Zagreb to cover father’s enormous debts. He never lived with us but with his mum elsewhere. ‘Dad’ was misusing my own firm which I’ve opened only in order to ‘help him’. If I were in some other country, maybe I would be writing this from a prison. Heh, for a future artist, that would be some good biography stuff 😉

So, this year I got a chance to reinvent myself. I’m currently here, intuitively doing almost everything that was written on that page. Not for money, but to regain my life the way I want to. Even though this is a small town, my boat is here, my dog is happy, I’ve low living costs yet high life quality. And there’re enough persons who support me and who vaguely know what was going on. No one views me as a victim and I’m grateful for that.

Also, I’m grateful that my mum finally has a boyfriend so she’s living on island Hvar. I live alone away from ‘home’ since I was 18 so it would be tough for me to share this apartment with her.
My best friends&family are random people who enter my life. I view ‘own family’ as very hostile one, still I’ve forgiven them. No point in nurturing unnecessary, ugly emotions. I’m ok with mum; she helped me a lot in these past 2-3 years and became a good friend. Brother is just like his ‘father’ and that’s ok.

Back to the reinvention, will and guts to survive. Never give up. Life is to live it the best you can. It never asks you politely what you want: life’s just happening. Still, you can be smart and grab a chance whenever you can. The more obstacles you overcome, the stronger and resilient you become. Not mentioning the wisdom one acquires by applying all that knowledge.

As for me, I’m glad cause I finally feel I got a chance to relive life. I’m making baby steps and it’s going fine.

The famous question: What is the meaning of life?                      Answer: Make oneself happy. The rest will naturally come along.